While my political stance is as of yet unclear and undecided, there is one cause which I unwaveringly adhere to; I am a Grammar Nazi. So-called by those who are too lazy to express themselves in a coherent and clear manner, who elect to use shorthand in nearly every form of digital communication (Heaven forfend that this practice ever spill over into the written word, imagine the Illiad written in text-speak “i sng ov rms nd men”. It’s like some ghastly archaic Mediterranean script). Grammar Nazis are perceived as being fascists; “Herr Doyle, how dare you have the audacity to correct my spelling!” or as those who criticise us would say, “lol wut u takin bout?”. Well, here sir, is why I have the audacity to criticise your grammar and spelling; because I really am a Grammar Fascist and because I believe that bad, democratic grammar destroys nations and weakens armies!
While I still maintain that the English language spelling system is in dire need of reform, I am, perhaps hypocritically frustrated by the Americanisation (yes, with an “s”) of English Spelling online. My brain tells me that “Capitol” “Neighbor” “Center” and “Judgment” are just plain wrong, yet my browser constantly highlights words like “colour” and “realise”, ignoring the true mistakes, and at times this causes me to question my own sanity. I see a word spelt correctly, yet my computer tells me it’s incorrect. I thought I found the solution when I set my computer’s Language to British English, this doesn’t seem to have registered with Google Chrome, TweetDeck or even the Dictionary, none of which provide the option to use the version of English I want to use (Now who’s the fascist?). When Americans came for the “u”’s I said nothing. When they came for the “s”’s, took their land and gave them to the “zed”’s I said nothing. But when they came for the apostrophes, I knew I had to speak up.
The Americans didn’t take the Apostrophes. If anything, they’re the ones doing something to defend them. But the apostrophe became an endangered species at the dawn of text speak and the Internet, where day in, day out, the line between “your” and “you’re”, “im” and “I’m”, and “it’s” and “its” becomes more and more blurred. What if I am to wake up one morning, open the Times only to be greeted by the ambiguous headline; “Security fears ahead of Queens visit”. There’s no apostrophe to indicate possession! Did I wake up in a world run by Communists, where la propriété really est le vol? Is there one Queen or two? Will Queen Beatrix be joining Elizabeth? What are you trying to say, Newspaper? Are you a Hoi Poloi Communist or a Decadent Serial Monarchist?
I object to the discrimination against the homophones “two”, “to” and “too” as well as “for” and “four”, the persecution of “whom”, and the severe damage our honest hardworking Capital “I”’s have taken over the last few years. This is what happens when you have a weak, democratic spelling and grammatical system, where people may pick and choose and disagree as to how words should be spelt; under Grammar Fascism, we have strong leadership; Ein Subject, Ein Object, Ein Verb!
I understand that Language and spelling have to change over time, otherwise the French <<Je dois ecrir une lettre>> would be spelt LITTERAS SCRIBENDAS EST MIHI. I genuinely think that English spelling needs to be reformed, or else one day the discrepancy between spoken and written English will be as great as that between French and Latin. Am I overreacting? I’ll let you be the judge of that;
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through.
Well don’t! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard but sounds like bird.
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness sake don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth as in mother
Nor both as in bother, nor broth as in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear, for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose–
Just look them up–and goose and choose
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword
And do and go, then thwart and cart,
Come, come! I’ve hardly made a start.
A dreadful Language? Why man alive!
I learned to talk it when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five.
But until that day comes, when flag of the Grammar Reich can be lowered and everyone conforms to Correct English or Reformed English, I refuse to accommodate or accept “Wut tim u goin at?” as sufficient. Why? Because I’m a Grammar Nazi and you shall do what I say, and you’ll damn well like it.
